I'm starting to get tired, and having trouble focusing on work. Mega back pain. Shaking is OK, but attention span, short term memory and organization suffering. Part of it is that I'm overwhelmed by the amount of stuff on my plate, and the inevitable decisions about what to commit to and what to put off. Fairly significant work remaining for the paid programming site visit next week. Yesterday I figured out that I'm going to have to do a re-write to get it to be a distributable.... so I use 1 database instead of 3. On top of that, I still have the problem with the off the shelf installation re-programming, and networking / prospecting activities that are pressing me. February revenue just isn't where it should be, and given the economy, I can't predict the amount of publishing product revenue. Naturally, I have to make investments (spend money) to move forward in many areas, and the stress of the financial picture makes the decisions that much harder.
Regardless of feeling tired, I have to make it for the next couple of weeks at least, and try to drive revenue. The Avonex thing may help or may not help, but its still 2 weeks off - another month before I get to the full theraputic dose. Basically, I have to manage things for the forseeable future with what I have, trying to drive forward. I've never done well with uncertainty, and the current situation and the MS symptoms make me want to just lie down and go to sleep for the day. I'm being driven instead of taking the bull by the horns and driving.
In years past, I could just expand the number of hours spent to get the work done. I don't have the stamina that I used to have. Basically, unless I pour beer all over and pull beer from tomorrow (see description below), there's nothing left at the end of the day. Factor in the focusing problems, and I'm back in the situation that I'm at my desk for 45 hours per week, but only getting 30 hours of work accomplished. Another factor is the inefficencies I'm working through while programming. Its been 4 years since I've done any significant programming, and there's a learning curve getting back to being competent. Its a humbling experience to say the least. In addition, are things that ABSOLUTELY have to get done that take up extra time and take me away from focusing on programming. Argh.
And, there seem to be the usual (but normally unusual) distractions. Razor is eating up our time finishing his Teen Court stuff. Wifey was going to go with me on the trip, but now can't as Razor has a rescheduled court date during the time of the trip. I was counting on her being there to back-stop me and pick the client's brain for the way their business sector works. I can do it, but she'd be more effective at it. Chip's school situation is getting out of control. No discipline by the leadership, and its degrading now to the point where the boys are whacking each other with no consequences. One boy knocked out the bully's tooth yesterday and Chip said "He probably needed to get a bad stick for that". Its time to pull him and home school, but we don't know how to make that work. Blueberry is stable, but on the last discussion I had with the Home, they wanted us to take her home more, insinuating that her behavioral problems were connected with that. Oh, and the Dashund isn't tolerating chemo well. We may be nearing the end. I can deal with all the other stuff, but I really can't handle another loss. Double-Argh!
Above, I spoke about Multiple Sclerosis and the "Beer Theory". As a "manly-man" I stumbled on this theory when researching the disease. Its funny as heck and you can read it here:
As a guy with "Woman's Disease" you can bet that there aren't a lot of resources out there that take the male perspective to Multiple Sclerosis. MulitpleSclerosisSucks.com has been a great comfort to me. The "beer theroy" isn't original however. Its based on the "Spoon Theory", associated with Lupus. You can read the original here:
I'll try to make the blog here more informative, and document more of the MS journey. Guys aren't like that though. We're used to the manly sport cliches: "Play Hurt", "Walk it off", "No Excuses", "Don't Whine", "Gut it Out", and my personal favorite "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing." Multiple Sclerosis hits you at the core of your masculinity, taking away the physical and mental toughness component of your psychological make-up and replacing them with uncertainty and loss of control. Tough stuff to live with, especially as you have to reset your definition of what a decent quality of life is when you have the disease. But like the picture associated with this post says.....
Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 35 and Cold, snow last night
Weather - 35 and Cold, snow last night
Shaking - 4
Neck Pain - 0
Upper Back Pain - 6
Upper Back Pain - 6
Fatigue - 5
Foggy Head - 5
Foggy Head - 5
Tinitus - 4
Ears Full - 5
Hand Numb - 0
Ears Full - 5
Hand Numb - 0
Spatial Orientation - 5
Gastro - 7
Insomnia = 0
Eye Focus - 4
Sleep Kick - 0
Pain Meds - Yes
Benedryl last night - 1
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