Uh-Oh, Whoo-Hoo, Un-Oh...

Sunday, February 22, 2009

A long lag, but with good reasoning. The week of the 9th, I was at the beta site of the distributable for a stress test. Took all week, but the long and short of it is that the program is going to work, I believe there's a market, and the implementation was successful. Basically, after the event, we took two days off. On the third day the system did everything that would normally take 3 weeks to do manually. I think that selling point says it all. Being there was a stretch though, and I was very tired every day. The clients were very gracious, allowing me to rest a couple of hours in the middle of each day. And I made the 13 hour trip back with no problems, although before the Multiple Sclerosis, I would have been able to drive straight through.
 
Coming back, I needed a day of rest on Monday, I worked with the clients on Tuesday to get the reports and checks run on Tuesday, and did some little admin stuff the rest of the week. Wifey has been working and trying to find her feet in a job that meets her skills. And then, on Thursday, we decided to pull Chip from private school. The teacher there is immature, prideful and wasn't interested in Chip being a success. So we're home schooling - which means I'm holding down the fort for the next week or so while Wifey finishes her orientation for a review program at a local work place. Heh-heh. Taxes due, new clients to prospect, programming to do, business show on Wednesday......this is going to be a challenge again. And about mid-week I recognized I was having another MS attack. Avonex was on the way, but Dr. Freedman ordered me a Methylprednisolone step-down pack, which I started Friday. No improvement, but the Avonex came in Saturday, so now I'm on both.  The side-effects of the Avonex weren't as bad as I anticipated, and I guess I'll have to wait a few days to see if it makes me improve. Should be interesting.
 
Today, I'm making it OK, but not doing anything mentally challenging. I've been able to keep going all day though, and getting some stuff around the house accomplished. Still have the shakes and back pain, but the chronic fatigue is lessening. I figure I'll be able to tell by mid week whether I'm getting better, just maintaining, or getting worse.
 
Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 40 and Sunny
Shaking - 6
Neck Pain - 0
Upper Back Pain - 6
Fatigue - 3
Foggy Head - 4
Tinitus - 4
Ears Full - 4
Hand Numb - 0
Spatial Orientation - 4
Gastro - 2
Insomnia = 0
Eye Focus - 2
Sleep Kick - 0
Pain Meds - No
Benedryl last night - 0
 
 

Condition update 2/9/09 at 8am

Monday, February 9, 2009

Some problems with the user section of the distributable. First problem is that the printing is right-justified. I think there are around 5 users like that. Then there are 3-4 users who didn't get the data files put on the computer as part of the installation. I'm thinking that its a problem with the user or security settings, particularly in Vista. I need more information before I can change anything though.

On the road this morning, to the distributable installation. Basically, 800 miles away. I've got 2 hours left of the trip after all day yesterday in the car. Crummy hotel, but better to be frugal at this point. OK sleep last night, but had to take a benedryl. The heater in the room was either on or off (my choice), and it only took me an hour of freezing/roasting to figure out freezing was better. I feel OK this morning so far, but really its too early to tell.

Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 65 and sunny
Shaking - 6
Neck Pain - 2
Upper Back Pain - 1
Fatigue - 3
Foggy Head - 4
Tinitus - 6
Ears Full - 5
Hand Numb - 0
Spatial Orientation - 3
Gastro - 9 (consti/gass)
Insomnia = 7
Eye Focus - 3
Sleep Kick - 0
Pain Meds - Yes
Benedryl last night - 1

Condition Update- 2009-02-05 12:01 PM

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Well, its crunch time. Three days left until the trip to the distributable's installation and first use. Still have all the work to do that I had yesterday. Most of the day yesterday spent on quotes and such, so my plate is cleared for today. The Multiple Sclerosis symptoms seem to be increasing as the time remaining winds down. Certainly going to be a challenge for the next 10 days.
The President is on the radio now. Pushing the economic stimulus when speaking at the Department of Energy. Hoo-boy. I'm not picking up from anywhere that anyone in the government is understanding that the "old world" is over. Everything done so far looks like they're just trying to get back to the way things used to be and there's not enough money in the world for that. Obama's stimulus looks like he's paying lip service to the economy to further an expansion of government only. To me it looks like the spending (and they don't have the money) is mostly focused on things that won't help jobs so won't help those caught in the storm.
The crux of what we're living through now is the destruction of "wealth" derived from increased housing prices and the availability of cheap credit. The world as we know it is shifting into a new paradigm. This whole thing drives me nuts because its common sense. This after years of thinking myself nuts for being able to qualify for a $500k home loan and having credit card lines totalling over $200k. Watching people I thought made less than me afford Lexuses and Mercedes, bigger and bigger houses and amenities I couldn't. It didn't make sense before. Unfortunately, its been making sense for the last year or so. Let's look at what we've lost:
1) 401k's lost somewhere between 20 and 45 percent (good by retirement plans)
2) Home prices lost somewhere around 20% on average
3) We're shedding jobs at around 550k per month
As this is going on, the bulk of society is being split into 3 groups:
1) Those that over-extended themselves and are insolvent or approaching insolvency. Maybe they're under water in their mortgage, maybe they lost their jobs, maybe they figured that their wages would increase so they could dig themselves out of debt. With the economy deteriorating, these folks are being forced to cut back to survive, in most cases either choosing or being forced into forclosure and re-location. Since they're broke, they aren't going to spend.
2) Those that did it right during the 10 years of credit insanity. They lived within their means. Maybe their house is paid off, maybe not, but they planned to be able to make it financially if someone in the family lost a job. These folks are looking at the economic news and maybe their investments and they're not buying anything, because they don't want to lose what they have. They're worried about moving into the insolvent category.
3) Those on the lower and upper ends of the income scale. Things aren't changing for them as much. The upper end has lost money, but it probably isn't going to change how they spend or how they live. The lower end is maybe suffering lost jobs and credit problems, but they basically don't have a lot of money to spend anyway, and in current economic conditions, they probably have less to spend.
If you listen closely to the debate in government, its always been about "reaching a bottom", "lending money", supporting things so the economy could get back to the way it used to be. The problem is that when you talk about the guy that spends money, he's in one of the 3 groups listed above. The vast majority of folks aren't spending money on anything but necessities any more. They don't have it, or they're cutting back waiting for things to get worse. You can throw trillions and trillions of dollars (which we don't have) at the economy but you won't put a floor in anything. Housing value losses alone are somewhere in the neighborhood of $30 trillion dollars from their pead. Good luck with that. By propping things up, we're only postponing the inevitable.
And what's the inevitable?. I believe that the GDP is going to decline somewhere between 10 and 15 percent over the next couple of years. If we're lucky, the maximum contraction will be 15% Think about it. Do you really need a new car? Probably not. They'll last 10 years now, so if you don't have the money, you're going to make do. Do you really need new clothes? New shoes? New TV? New Computer? I mean really. Probably not. During the run-up to all this, we bought all kinds of things, and they're pretty new. So as the economy deteriorates, we just make due. The population of the US becoming more frugal by choice or necessity, but in mass and very quickly. Since 70% of our economy is derived from consumer spending, the economy is contracting at a dizzying rate as we become more frugal:
And there you have the paradox of thrift.... if we don't spend, things will get worse. Companies will go out of business. People will lose their jobs, then their houses. Housing prices will fall further. People will spend even less, leading companies to go out of business, people to lose their jobs, etc, etc, etc. Until we reach "bottom".
But I'm optimistic. As my market segment contracts, some of my competitors will cut back and some will go out of business. And I believe there will be pockets of opportunity where you can make money. The guys that clean out forclosed houses are making a ton of money in California, Arizona and Florida. They're in a pocket of opportunity. The key is finding the pockets. I think I found one recently. So I'm excited about working in those pockets and making it through the worst of this.
Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 30 and Cold
Shaking - 4
Neck Pain - 0
Upper Back Pain - 4
Fatigue - 4
Foggy Head - 6
Tinitus - 5
Ears Full - 6
Hand Numb - 0
Spatial Orientation - 6
Gastro - 6
Insomnia = 0
Eye Focus - 5
Sleep Kick - 0
Pain Meds - Yes
Benedryl last night - 1

Condition Update- 2009-02-04 12:01 PM

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I'm starting to get tired, and having trouble focusing on work. Mega back pain. Shaking is OK, but attention span, short term memory and organization suffering. Part of it is that I'm overwhelmed by the amount of stuff on my plate, and the inevitable decisions about what to commit to and what to put off. Fairly significant work remaining for the paid programming site visit next week. Yesterday I figured out that I'm going to have to do a re-write to get it to be a distributable.... so I use 1 database instead of 3. On top of that, I still have the problem with the off the shelf installation re-programming, and networking / prospecting activities that are pressing me. February revenue just isn't where it should be, and given the economy, I can't predict the amount of publishing product revenue. Naturally, I have to make investments (spend money) to move forward in many areas, and the stress of the financial picture makes the decisions that much harder.
Regardless of feeling tired, I have to make it for the next couple of weeks at least, and try to drive revenue. The Avonex thing may help or may not help, but its still 2 weeks off - another month before I get to the full theraputic dose. Basically, I have to manage things for the forseeable future with what I have, trying to drive forward. I've never done well with uncertainty, and the current situation and the MS symptoms make me want to just lie down and go to sleep for the day. I'm being driven instead of taking the bull by the horns and driving.
In years past, I could just expand the number of hours spent to get the work done. I don't have the stamina that I used to have. Basically, unless I pour beer all over and pull beer from tomorrow (see description below), there's nothing left at the end of the day. Factor in the focusing problems, and I'm back in the situation that I'm at my desk for 45 hours per week, but only getting 30 hours of work accomplished. Another factor is the inefficencies I'm working through while programming. Its been 4 years since I've done any significant programming, and there's a learning curve getting back to being competent. Its a humbling experience to say the least. In addition, are things that ABSOLUTELY have to get done that take up extra time and take me away from focusing on programming. Argh.
And, there seem to be the usual (but normally unusual) distractions. Razor is eating up our time finishing his Teen Court stuff. Wifey was going to go with me on the trip, but now can't as Razor has a rescheduled court date during the time of the trip. I was counting on her being there to back-stop me and pick the client's brain for the way their business sector works. I can do it, but she'd be more effective at it. Chip's school situation is getting out of control. No discipline by the leadership, and its degrading now to the point where the boys are whacking each other with no consequences. One boy knocked out the bully's tooth yesterday and Chip said "He probably needed to get a bad stick for that". Its time to pull him and home school, but we don't know how to make that work. Blueberry is stable, but on the last discussion I had with the Home, they wanted us to take her home more, insinuating that her behavioral problems were connected with that. Oh, and the Dashund isn't tolerating chemo well. We may be nearing the end. I can deal with all the other stuff, but I really can't handle another loss. Double-Argh!
Above, I spoke about Multiple Sclerosis and the "Beer Theory". As a "manly-man" I stumbled on this theory when researching the disease. Its funny as heck and you can read it here:
As a guy with "Woman's Disease" you can bet that there aren't a lot of resources out there that take the male perspective to Multiple Sclerosis. MulitpleSclerosisSucks.com has been a great comfort to me. The "beer theroy" isn't original however. Its based on the "Spoon Theory", associated with Lupus. You can read the original here:
I'll try to make the blog here more informative, and document more of the MS journey. Guys aren't like that though. We're used to the manly sport cliches: "Play Hurt", "Walk it off", "No Excuses", "Don't Whine", "Gut it Out", and my personal favorite "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing." Multiple Sclerosis hits you at the core of your masculinity, taking away the physical and mental toughness component of your psychological make-up and replacing them with uncertainty and loss of control. Tough stuff to live with, especially as you have to reset your definition of what a decent quality of life is when you have the disease. But like the picture associated with this post says.....
Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 35 and Cold, snow last night
Shaking - 4
Neck Pain - 0
Upper Back Pain - 6
Fatigue - 5
Foggy Head - 5
Tinitus - 4
Ears Full - 5
Hand Numb - 0
Spatial Orientation - 5
Gastro - 7
Insomnia = 0
Eye Focus - 4
Sleep Kick - 0
Pain Meds - Yes
Benedryl last night - 1

Multiple Sclerosis Confirmed! - 2009-02-03 8:00 AM

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Change of format here, as I recognise that a lot of the search engine indexing relys on positional text. Not that I want this blog really ranked, just that I want the content to be pertinent to my Multiple Sclerosis journey as a log. The symptom log is a big part of that, but I also need to chronicle the journey itself as equally important. So, to bring things up to date....
The big news is the consult we had with Dr. Freedman on Friday. He took over an hour with me to understand what I was feeling, my view of the history, and to review the diagnostics to date. I was impressed with his empathy. At one point he said, "You've been feeling like crap for half a year." That said it all to me about how this relationship would go. At the end of the session, he discussed making anxiety meds available (I don't want them), he gave me a prescription for pain meds (for my uppoer back), and he prescribed Avonex. It will be a weekly shot, to delay exacerbations, and to reduce the inflammation. I guess the Avonex is very expensive (more on that later), and it takes a couple of weeks to get insurance approval, get the meds and have the instructional class by a visiting nurse. (talk about waste of resources... Wifey can do it. but there's a system you know - for payment!)
The formal diagnosis is a relief. Having a treatment plan is a relief. My big worry in this was further permanent neurolgic loss, and I feel that being on Avonex gives me half a shot of maintaining where I am, while dealing with the attacks or relapses. In general, I hate meds, but I hate the idea of having further losses more. BTW, the psyche/cognitive testing showed organizational problems, some memory problems and that I "was not overly crazy". I have to ask Dr. Jones to read a copy of it.
But knowing I have to maintain the medical insurance, lets move on to where we are in the business..... I bailed on the charity project. No time in the schedule between now and the event, and the guy I'm working with isn't taking it seriously. The paid programming project is going OK, but there are a lot of features left to code and only a few days left. I have to be on-site with them on Monday the 9th to set everything up. I think I'll only be there for 3 days so it shouldn't be so bad. The local software installation went well last Thursday, and I have to hard code the printing for him, with a tentative date of delivery of Thursday of this week. I don't koow if that will happen. Worked an old client for 3 hours yesterday, but no revenue. I think my take for January was around $2.7k. But I have the new computer, web hosting and other outstanding things to pay for this month. My gut tells me that it was a standard month's bleed.
Physically, it feels like I'm slipping a bit. Still battling back pain, fatigue, full head and tinitus. I'm thinking that the recent problems are at some level weather related. The temp and humidity have been swinging quite a bit. 45 and clear Saturday, 65 and clear Sunday, 50 and clear yesterday but 40 and damp this morning. The only thing I can do is keep pressing on...but I've reset my work goal to 45 horus per week only. I think that more than that wears me out for the next week.
So, for the first time, I'm optomistic about my future with MS. Hopefully, I'll get some benefit from the Avonex, and can continue to move forward on developing the business. The problems is that I have lots of ideas, but not enough stamina / energy.
Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 40's and light rain
Shaking - 5
Neck Pain - 1
Upper Back Pain - 6
Fatigue - 4
Foggy Head - 4
Tinitus - 3
Ears Full - 4
Hand Numb - 0
Spatial Orientation - 4
Gastro - 5
Insomnia = 0
Eye Focus - 3
Sleep Kick - 0
Pain Meds - No