Short note here as I'm running out of battery power on the notebook. Although it might be explained by in increase of stress, I'm running out of steam around 5pm every day and am back to sleeping around then in the recliner. Back burning has returned. And I'm having more problems both in getting to sleep, and in being productive in the early hours.

To list the stressers I'm dealing with right now:

1) Really behind on the distributable product, and have realized that I'll need to skip the rest of this season for marketing. That means I won't be able to capture any revenue for the rest of the year, and the cost of the web developer will have to come out of strategic savings.
2) The big client told me on Friday that he has no intention of making a big buy. I don't blame him for where we are economically and I kink of thought this would be the outcome so I didn't count on the money.
3) Bottom line in the business is that there is no revenue, and really no hopes of revenue from current sources until the new year. ARGH! Looks like we're going to cut it short on the savings thing.
4) The whole rationale of making it until the end of 2011 to boot an internet business is out the window as my state is passing a merchant required collection of the state tax or all out of state sales. SHIT!!!!
5) Razor is being a dick. He wanted to move out 2 years ago and be emancipated. Didn't do the paperwork and got caught in District Courthouse 1A for a while. For the last year I've been telling him and he's been telling me that he's moving out right after his birthday in September. Now, he all of a sudden changes his mind, and wants to save money for a car. He's and asshole and treats everyone here abusively - when he's around. All summer he's been running, turning down work (hence money) and not following the 2 simple rules we've given him. There's a storm brewing there, and I'm just tired. I want it to be over already.
6) Wifey is working, finishing a full time orientation stint at the hospital. I've got Chip during the day and I'm not doing my work very well or working with him very well. Then I get frustrated that I'm not making any progress on the distributable, marketing or admin stuff during the week. ARGH.

So I guess I've got a lot of stressers. I'm hoping that's all it is. I'll let you know.

Finally, there haven't been any entries because I've been back in the game. Mentally, I'm at one hundred percent. For stamina, I'm only at eighty, but that's to be expected with my age and MS. In my humble opinion, I can't believe that I'm doing so well.

Talk to you soon.

No entries here for a long time. Basically, things have been going really well - compared to how I've been feeling before. As I posted before, the combination of the Avonex, Vicodin and Adderall have given me the short-term relief and long term confidence so that I can start depending on a consistent level of mental acuity and physical stamina.

That"s not to say that I'm back to normal in terms of what I was capable of prior to my first exasperbation a year ago. The way things are right now, I have to split my performance into 2 parts - mental and physical to accurately describe how things are going right now.

The mental part is the most encouraging. I've found that I can now pretty much get through most days without problems. On a percentage scale I`m working at 80-90% of where I was originally and I can live with that. The issue is that now there`s consistency where before there wasn't any. Consistency means I can plan on getting a minimum done each day so I now have hope of building each day and can predict success at tasks and projects.

I still have problems with stress - when I'm stressed my mental capacity goes down, and I start to degrade physically. Physical degradation means back pain or chronic fatigue. I'm working on compsatory skills where I can handle stress better (a definite challenge). I've yet to push myself with programming / marketing / installation of the distubutable, but that's coming in the next couple of weeks. I've tested myself in prospect visits and networking events and they tire me because of the stress, but they don't exhaust me for the rest of the day, or drain me for the next day.

Physical stamina associated with physical activoty is another matter. I'm trying to be physically active but I find that I'm capable of only abouy 1/2 of what I could do prior to the first exasperbation. Its frustrating to me to say the least because I've had to give up the any idea of completeing large projects, which causes stress in and of itself. We need the kitchen cabinets replaced, some floors refinished, painting completed and numerous other things done in the house. I keep myself from starting them because I know I won't have the endurance to finish them and couldn't stand the thoughtof having to endlessly stare at my impotence when I'd look at something 1/2 done. Since we're not cash positive in the business, we can't afford to pay someone to do it. Any way I look at it, I see myself as a failure - and I get stressed out about it.

I've tried to "push through" this part of the disease, to no avail. the beer analagy definitely applies. I've worked hard at yard work as a test multiple times and I end up paying the next day for it in exhaustion and uncomfortable symptoms. I've had to put aside any thoughts of hobbies - haven't made a pen in over a year and Wifey's Valentine's Day box sits unfinished in the shed. Normal house maintenance and cutting the grass is enough to challenge my stamina. Since Razor has no interest, Chip is too small and Wifey can't be expected to pull the load I used to in the "routine maintainence" area, there's no hope of focusing what endurance I have on the big stuff. I'm trying to recalibrate my expectations for what I'll be able to accomplish but I'm still frustrated I have to say here though, that Chip is showing himself to be a tremendous blessing. He cheerfully helps by uncomplainingly doing what he can to help. If he can't help, he keeps me company in most cases so I can more easily cope with my need for frequent breaks and to work at a slower pace. And with me feeling better, I'm thinking about testing myself by remodeling the downstairs bathroom.

But again, for perspective, things are much better than before and the Adderall and Vicodin together are the reason. Before that medication regimin I was seriously thinking of having to file foe disability.

I was taking the Vicodin when I saw Dr. Freeman in late March, and he prescribed the Adderall on a whim - to help improve my ability to focus (although it takes away my tinitus and full head feeling too!) . Over the last month I've been noticing that the 20mg Adderall and the 10mg Vicodin have become less effective. On some days, I'd have "bleed through" back burning, fatigue, and / or lack of concentration. I was having to take 5mg extra of the Vicodin to deal with periodic excess pain. I was worring that the Vicodin resistance would build, and I would be dependent or more likely that it wouldn' be effective regardless of dose. I like being able to think and work, and I naturally want this med regimin to work for 8 to 10 years.

I had an appointment with Nora@ Freedman's P.A. last Wednesday, and we discussed my concerns. She recommended that I start on Neurotin, starting with 300 mg per day and working up to 1200. Its supposed to bridge the breakthrough pain in the near term so I don't have to take the extra 5 mg of Vicodin on bad days. So far it seems to be working. I've a bit pf back burning today but that's expected as I've only had 9 hours of sleep in the last 2 days. I'm taking at night as its supposed to make me drowsy. It doesn't, in typical ADD fashion. The common side effective of all these meds is constipation - yea!

So that's where I stand medically. On the business side there's good news and bad news too. From the good side, my big prospect is evaluating an electronic device and placed a provisional order for 10 more. If this all goes well and he replaces his existing devices, it should mean around 20k per year for 1.5 years or so. the bad news is that there's np guarantee I'll get it, the state sales tax may keep me from keeping it. If they move foreward, and if everything goes perfectly I dont't know how I'm going to arrange financing.

I've been working at a low level to build business locally, with modest success. The problem is that on hardware sales I don't have any purchasing power with minimal discounts. That and the sales tax make it virtually impossible to compete with the internet guys. I'll keep plugging though in the hopes of generating at least something locally.

The sales of the publishing product continue to lag vs. prior years, and with the economy and the nature of the product, I've reconciled myself to stagnant to declining sales. I continue to add content to the site, and traffic is up 20% over 6 months ago. I hired a developer to do the web portion of the distributable, but I haven't gotten far enough to actively market it yet and only have 1 more customer since I commited to this. From reading forums about the competition I know I have to invest around 10k to have a competitive product. AND hosting is going to be 50 per month. Ugh!

So I'm optomistic about my abilities and prospects, but intensely worried about money. I never planned on paying someone to write the web application, so that's an unplanned outlay. Wifey is just getting back to work after a month lag, but outlays are still moe than I'd like. Other than the single client, prospects are slim because I'll be lucky to break even between distributable sales and the travel and development costs. Botom line is that the financial model (thanks to tax refunds) still has us with enough savings for 32 months. I just need to do my best every day and trust God to handle the rest.

And I'm encouraged with my predictable, 85% percent capacity. I'm able to do things I haven't in a year. I was particualrly happy with my performance in a meeting with the client and manufacturer 2 weeks ago. I ran the meeting and had no trouble keeping my thoughts organized or the meeting moving. Huge Difference.


Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - Hot, clear and humid
Shaking - 3
Neck Pain - 0
Upper Back Pain - 2
Fatigue - 3
Foggy Head - 3
Tinitus - 4
Ears Full - 3
Spatial Orientation - 2
Gastro - 9D
Insomnia - 8
Eye Focus - s
Benedryl - 0

I haven't posted over the last 3 weeks, not because there haven't been any changes, but because things have been changing a lot here, and I'm concentrating on gauging what I'm capable of, and trying to push forward on things that will give me revenue so I can make the 33 months I have left. (wow, that was a run-on sentence if I ever read one!) I had an appointment with the neurolgist on the 31st of March, and we both decided to give this 8 weeks to see if I could effectively work or I needed to move toward applying for SSI. As a function of that appointment, he prescribed Aderall for my ADHD and told me to stay on the Vicadin, and take them consistently, once a day.

The first week or April was amazing. I felt like I was at 95% of what I used to be. You can't imagine the change....suddenly being able to think, to plan, to work, to lay out near, mid and long term business strategy. I felt like a totally different person, a person I hadn't known for almost a year. Physical stamina for being active and doing work around the house wasn't there, but I think that was more of a problem of not being able to do anything for almost a year. So it was a great week, came to a lot of conclusions, and got a fair amount of ancillary work done. I was confused about how the Adderall took away the physical manifestations of the MS. The back pain and full head was gone. I could concentrate. To the point where when I would quit at the end of the day, I felt pulled to go back to work..... I kept thinking that I felt good enough that I should be pushing forward. Maybe I wasted the time, but I resisted the temptation - I opted to spend time with the family and enjoy actually being "me" again.

The "perfect" feeling lasted about a week. Now, I'm drifting down again. Its most likely my system getting used to the Adderall, so there's some hope of adjusting it if it isn't effective any more. The first week I had insomnia, but now its gone. I continue to have some physical pain and stiffness, but for the most part the intellectual stuff is livable. Good thing, 'cause this week coming is the push week. I've concluded that stress is really a killer for me. There was a day this week where I was upset about something, and it killed my energy completely. So its one of my conclusions for moving on - minimze stress. Along those lines and reducing the overall stress was getting taxes done. Refund will be about 3x what I projected. The financial model now says that I'll make it to the end of the 3rd year, so the urgent need to generate near term revenue is reduced. Good thing too, as the SERPs for the publishing product site have fallen off a cliff for the terms that sell the product. No sales in the first 10 days of this month. Needs action, but that action one my conclusions. Here they are:

1) Instead of splitting my time in thirds between the distributable, local business, and web sites, I need to look at investing about $3k in contracting to program the distributable web site. That will free me to concentrate on local business and adding content to the main site (which I've been able to do over the last 10 days). I'll still need to spend some time on design, but the contractor I've identified can do this more efficiently than I can. The only issue is that she make the coding according to my conventions so I can maintain it. This is a big change.
2) Get the distributable done, and sell it. SELL IT! That is the best chance I have at near term revenue. The next cycle for sales is in the fall, and I have to be ready by June in order to be able to catch that business. Not sure of the pricing scale, or how much money I'll be able to make at it, but if I don't get it up and running all that time will be wasted. Got a lot of leads at this point, but can't work them as there's nothing I can show them from the seller standpoint - and that's the most important thing.
3) Get content on the main site. The content I put up in the second half of last year is driving more visitors, and the visitor stats are better than ever. Product sales are down, and I need revenue to cover the cell phone, memberships and other expenses. I'm torn right now about whether to link build for the product to get more sales, or just expand the content to drive more visitors - beacuse the increased visitors has given me 3 clients I should close in the next 30 days. Right now I'm concentrating on just getting the new product up, and putting up videos. That should enable me to drive more links. BUT, I really need to put up more reviews, get the store straightened out, and get more general links. I need a Yahoo Directory listing, but I don't have the money. And I still have the industry blog to start and work on.
4) Start cold calling and visiting local businesses. I started this a week ago, but didn't get too far. I need to design a program and stick with it. I waved off doing it this week because of the Easter holiday. I have to get into it big time on Tuesday and Thursday of next week. Got a client I may be able to close that will give us a year's revenue, but the odds of it happening are about 40%. Meeting with them Wednesday.

So that's it. Having some problems physically today, but about to go outside and do some work. We'll see how that goes, and what it does to my thinking processes and how I feel physically. I'm still pretty optomistic. Here's the tally for today:



Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 70 and sunny

Shaking - 3

Neck Pain - 3
Upper Back Pain - 2

Fatigue - 4
Foggy Head - 2

Tinitus - 0
Ears Full - 0
Hand Numb - 0

Spatial Orientation - 0

Gastro - 6 (hard)

Insomnia = 0

Eye Focus - 2

Sleep Kick - 0

Pain Meds - Yes

Benedryl last night - 0

Import things first.... at the race last night, we didn't win anything, but finished in the top 1/3 of the competitors. Unfortunately, there was another Mach 5 in the competition, and it was much more detailed that ours was. Had a driver, mirrors and a whole lot of other stuff. That one captured 2nd place in the design category, and he deserved it. He must have been working on it for a month. Speed wise, it was slightly faster than ours as well, and given the wheel base they must have put in a lot of work on the wheels and axles.

I'm happy with the showing, given that I haven't done this in such a long while. Chip was disappointed. At the end of the night, he got wild with the car and broke off the fins of the thing, whipping it along the floor. I tried not to be upset with him.

Appointment this morning with Theresa, the Physician's Assistant at the neurologist's. I was massively impressed with her. She did a full neuro assessment, and picked up tremors in my left arm. So it appears that the problem I experienced after spreading the grass seed was real, and not just a function of my arm being tired. We talked about the depression, and she told me that depression wasn't uncommon, but generally didn't show up until later in the Avonex treatment. When we discussed the dosage, she told me that I should have done a "ramp up". The conclusion was that because I did the full dosage from the start, I got the depression early. She told me to take a break this week, then start with 1/4 dose next week, increasing it by 1/4 each week until I get back to the full dose.

I'm really optomistic about this treatment. I've been feeling better, although today isn't very good for me. Problems with my eyes and fatigue. Really being lazy too with the business. But, I've set Monday, the 23rd as the kick-off date for the new work regimin, and been marking time this week because of the car. Making some progress with the distributable. Today should've been productive, but had the appointment with Theresa this morning, and now we're going to lunch with Bobby, the Fresh Air kid. I'll write more about that later as we're just about ready to walk out the door.

Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 70 and sunny

Shaking - 5

Neck Pain - 0
Upper Back Pain - 5

Fatigue - 5
Foggy Head - 4

Tinitus - 5
Ears Full - 5
Hand Numb - 0

Spatial Orientation - 4

Gastro - 2

Insomnia = 0

Eye Focus - 4

Sleep Kick - 0

Pain Meds - Yes

Benedryl last night - 0

This is what I've been working on for the last week, and its finally done. Its a rendition of the SpeedRacer Mark 5 for a Pinewood Derby race tonight. It took about a week total to make, and I'm pretty happy with it. I don't think we'll win, but I wanted to give something to Chip that he'd be proud of when with his peers. To tell the truth, I was sick of it at the end, there was too much work for the time I allowed, and it got to be all consuming at the end. There is good news though. Look at the canopy. I tried a dozen times to make one, with no success. Used a couple of water bottles and plastic sheeting, and couldn't get it. I prayed for an hour, and promptly found a bottle (Fornsby Lemon Oil) that had the exact curvature that was required. God is good.

The last time I did this was with Razor, and that was 8 or so years ago. At the time, the internet wasn't as well developed as it is today with forums and information. In researching making a car, I found that the guys that are "into" it, are into it from the engineering side. CG, CM, Camber, Toe-In, Rail-Running are all topics I've been exposed to in this exercise. What ever happened to the kid's experience? Ah, and I'm guilty too, I did most of the fabrication on this one, pulling in Chip for the paint sanding and the wheel/axle prep. But I can't imagine that the kids associated with the posts I've been reading have a lot to do with the construction or tuning, its over my head as a software engineer. We'll take a break from this for a couple of months, then Chip and I will make a Mark 6, and he'll do most of it with me. I'll have the luxury of doing it as there will be no deadline. From what I read, this car won't win.. the wheelbase is too short, the distribution of weight isn't right between front and back and it pulls too much to one side. But its ours, and its done, and it looks really good.

Starting to feel pretty good physically, relatively speaking. I'm tired right now (2:30pm) and will rest for an hour after this post, but only because of the event tonight. Been getting through the days all this week with little problem. I've come up with a priority of work for the business - one third each of web site, distributable and local business. Target is Monday to start. Wifey is off work right now, so she's handling the homeschool stuff for me. I should be able to make progress over the next 30 days on the distributable. In the schedule, I'm going to take 1 day a week to drive around trying to get label business.

Why is Wifey off? Basically it comes down to the degradation of nursing care. She started on a new case and ended up doing all the work for them. When she pointed out problems, management told her that she was "controlling" and that she wasn't right for the agency! This after she said she wouldn't work the case any more because of the liability. She knew more than anyone working it, did more work than anyone (20% unpaid) and found things that were life threatening and overlooked by management and the folks that should have caught it. She's in a difficult place now, with only 1 major agency left in the area. Basically, her experiences have taught her to treat her job as a way to make money only....not as a vocation. We've both observed that something has changed in society....people aren't concientious anymore. They don't care.

Appointment tomorrow with the neuroligist, to see about depression meds. As I mentioned before, the Avonex is giving me an exquisite depression. The Doc offered anxiety meds before, so I thought I'd nip this problem in the bud and try something to see if it made me feel better. I'll let you know.


Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 60 and sunny

Shaking - 4

Neck Pain - 0
Upper Back Pain - 3

Fatigue - 4
Foggy Head - 3

Tinitus - 4
Ears Full - 4
Hand Numb - 0

Spatial Orientation - 2

Gastro - 2

Insomnia = 0

Eye Focus - 4

Sleep Kick - 0

Pain Meds - Yes

Benedryl last night - 0

Been working with Chip on Pinewood Derby stuff. Two weeks ago, we made a SuperBird. The body was OK, but just OK. Then we decided to make a replica of the SpeedRacer Mach 5. Yikes. We've got the body done, but its been a tremendous amount of work. I'm tired of it already. The race is on Wednesday night, and we still have the wheels and axles to prep, the detail to paint on the car, and the windshield to fashion and attach. It looks great, but I don't know if I'm going to sign up to do anything like this again. Looking on the web for information, it appears that some folks are really into it. They have a bunch of variables identified: center-of-gravity, center-of-mass, rail-riding, camber and the like. I can't imagine how you could get so technical with your son and have him understand it all. At this point, I'm going to be happy enough to get this car finished, wheeled and weighted and in the race. To make it, I'm going to have to spend some significant time on it over the next couple of days. Sigh. Chip is worth it though. Since we've started home schooling him, and I'm spending time with him, I'm starting to recognise just what a blessing he is. Now the key is going to be using our relationship to teach him. So that he can do some of the "handyman" stuff himself.

Since Friday, I've been experiencing some wierdness of symptoms. Friday, I felt reasonably well, but got deathly tired at the end of the day. Saturday, I got the Avonex dosage (and approached it with dread), but did OK through the day. Sunday, I worked all through the day on the Pinewood Car, again getting deathly tired at around 4:30. Around mid-day, I spread some grass seed. Shortly after, I had tremors in my left arm, the one where I held the 15lb bag. Ugh. Getting old is not very fun.

Bottom line is that I'm feeling marginally better, but still have the fatigue, ringing in the ears and head fullness. Its sort of like being "woozy" all the time. Yesterday, I substituded motrin for Vicodin, and it seemed to give me some relief. I'm going to try it each day this week and see if I can do without the pain meds.

Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 50 and rainy, the past 3 days

Shaking - 5

Neck Pain - 2
Upper Back Pain - 6

Fatigue - 6
Foggy Head - 5

Tinitus - 6
Ears Full - 6
Hand Numb - 0

Spatial Orientation - 4

Gastro - 5

Insomnia = 1

Eye Focus - 6

Sleep Kick - 0

Pain Meds - No

Benedryl last night - 2

Felt much better yesterday, but had already decided to get taxes and a client call done and that would be it for the week. Had the "gripping intestinal bug" that we've been passing around here for around 6 weeks. Wifey just finished it, and it was my turn. I got tired at the end of the day, but I made it through. Still working through a plan of action associated with what I should do. Honestly, I'm contented to finish the thought process and home school Chip as Wifey works. Financially, that doesn't work over the long term, but her working extends us at the current spending levels for 30-36 months.

The client call went OK, but I'm still only about 75-85% effective. Part of it is practice, but the other part of it is the MS. Having to watch my verbal presentation. Hearing wavering in my voice. Slipping into monologuing every once in a while. UGH. Given the performance yesterday I still doubt I have the energy or the capacity to build a local business. Probably, the only way to figure it out is to work 3 days a week at it and see what happens.

Still having problems with cognitive stuff. Head full, ears full. No problems with balance, but still not feeling sharp. I'm still getting over the shock that I might be disabled, that I might not be able to work and that is keeping me from commiting mentally and physically to any business prospects. Yesterday I started to come out of it a bit. Today, I'm back in the same place. The weather is turning to rain, and I'm seeing an increase in the symptoms. Overall, still better than before the IV, but not what I expected. And part of it is motivation. Another part is schedule, with me having major responsibilities with Chip the next couple of days.

So it is. I wish it were better news. Good news is that I have time. The bad news is that I don't have a lot of it.


Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 50 and overcase, rain tomorrow

Shaking - 4

Neck Pain - 0
Upper Back Pain - 5

Fatigue - 4
Foggy Head - 6

Tinitus - 5
Ears Full - 6
Hand Numb - 0

Spatial Orientation - 3

Gastro - 7

Insomnia = 0

Eye Focus - 4

Sleep Kick - 0

Pain Meds - Yes (none yesterday)

Benedryl last night - 0

To bring things up to date.....

I had IV steroid treatments last week for 3 days - March 2nd, 3rd and 4th. I didn't feel that badly, but now that I'm 3 weeks in on the Avonex, I wanted to get to a base line and move from there. My thought was that if I could get to base line with the Avonex, using the steroids to push down the inflammation, I could guage the "best" that it could be, and I could predict whether in the long run I had a chance of being able to do things to make revenue come in.

Before the IV treatments, I was doing OK with work, but still had the fatigue toward the end of the day. BUT, there wasn't a lot of problems with full ears and full head and problems with comprehension. Because I didn't feel that badly, the steroid treatments really made me feel bad.... for the first time. And I still have the intense back pain, full ears and head.

And the Avonex gives you the ability to enjoy a near exquisite depression. The last couple of days have been really bad for me, making me come to grips with the reality of the situation. In fact, I may not be able to get a revenue stream up and running in the time I have left. If my work performance is going to be sustained at the level I've experienced over the last week, its time to give up and look at trying to get disability. Basically, I'm grappling with the fact that there may not be any thing that I can do. That I'm going to fail and that I'm just fooling myself thinking that I can build a business.

Granted, there are a lot of things wrong right now, but they're never as bad as they seem. Here's the thought process I've been going through the last 3 days or so....

1) Problems with the publishing product site - Its being delisted from Google for the primary keywords. I have no idea what's happening, other than the site is going off line every once in a while. I put a pinger on it this morning to try to figure it out. The bottom line is that google rankings are all over the place, and sales are consistently in the toilet. The product has a lot of potential, but the site itself needs work to get it ranked, and the product needs to be better described.

2) The Sales distributable requires more work, has less income potential and more competition than I originally thought. It really needs to be put on the internet, and the skill base required is a stretch for me. I have potential clients, but don't feel good enough to contact them, and don't know if I can handle the pressure to make milestones that new clients are going to require. I think that I over-stated the income potential. I know I under stated the competition - there's at least 1 guy out there that has everything that I'd put in the thing, and his price base is much less than I would like to charge.

3) I have no local business and doubt whether I'll have the level of energy required to build one. This is self-explainatory.

4) The web retailing portion of the business is a long way off, and I can't see how I'm going to be able to compete in that business again. I know the publishing product site has good bones, but I need to be adding content all the time. With how I've been feeling, I have doubts that I'll be able to get on a program where I add content every week. But I need to work on it continually over the next 3 years to be able to "make it" with revenue from that business when my waiting time is up.

Meanwhile, the clock is ticking. I haven't figured out finances lately because its too depressing to think about. Wifey is starting to kick in revenue, and that should give me 30 months from today, if I can "break even" on business expenses every month. Now, here's where the depression thing and not feeling good kick in.......

The nature of Multiple Sclerosis is unpredictability. For the last week, I've felt like I can't start, complete or work on anything. I know that's not true. I know I can accomplish SOMETHING. Today, I'm not as depressed, so I'm thinking its not as bad as I envisioned it yesterday. So today, I'm in the mode of hanging in there for another week to see how I feel. I've thought about an alternative plan though.....

1) File for disability (takes up to 2 years)
2) Shut down all aspects of the business (but I lose the health insurance)
3) Sell the car and maybe the house to get extension and complete the disability petition
4) Give up and act like an invalid for the rest of my life!

I don't like the alternative plan too much, but I have to start getting myself used to the idea. The major problem I'm having is that its been 9 months, and I'm not on a baseline that I can predict how I'll feel or what I can accomplish every day. Tomorrow, I'm going to start keeping a time clock again, and whittling at the work load to see if I can get something accomplished. In the near term it will be better than giving up.

I won't leave go of the alternate plan, but try to guage if its viable over the next 3 months, with a deadline of the end of June.

Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 70 and Sunny

Shaking - 6

Neck Pain - 0
Upper Back Pain - 8

Fatigue - 4
Foggy Head - 7

Tinitus - 7
Ears Full - 7
Hand Numb - 0

Spatial Orientation -

Gastro - 9

Insomnia = 0

Eye Focus - 5

Sleep Kick - 0

Pain Meds - Yes

Benedryl last night - 0

A long lag, but with good reasoning. The week of the 9th, I was at the beta site of the distributable for a stress test. Took all week, but the long and short of it is that the program is going to work, I believe there's a market, and the implementation was successful. Basically, after the event, we took two days off. On the third day the system did everything that would normally take 3 weeks to do manually. I think that selling point says it all. Being there was a stretch though, and I was very tired every day. The clients were very gracious, allowing me to rest a couple of hours in the middle of each day. And I made the 13 hour trip back with no problems, although before the Multiple Sclerosis, I would have been able to drive straight through.

 

Coming back, I needed a day of rest on Monday, I worked with the clients on Tuesday to get the reports and checks run on Tuesday, and did some little admin stuff the rest of the week. Wifey has been working and trying to find her feet in a job that meets her skills. And then, on Thursday, we decided to pull Chip from private school. The teacher there is immature, prideful and wasn't interested in Chip being a success. So we're home schooling - which means I'm holding down the fort for the next week or so while Wifey finishes her orientation for a review program at a local work place. Heh-heh. Taxes due, new clients to prospect, programming to do, business show on Wednesday......this is going to be a challenge again. And about mid-week I recognized I was having another MS attack. Avonex was on the way, but Dr. Freedman ordered me a Methylprednisolone step-down pack, which I started Friday. No improvement, but the Avonex came in Saturday, so now I'm on both.  The side-effects of the Avonex weren't as bad as I anticipated, and I guess I'll have to wait a few days to see if it makes me improve. Should be interesting.

 

Today, I'm making it OK, but not doing anything mentally challenging. I've been able to keep going all day though, and getting some stuff around the house accomplished. Still have the shakes and back pain, but the chronic fatigue is lessening. I figure I'll be able to tell by mid week whether I'm getting better, just maintaining, or getting worse.

 

Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 40 and Sunny

Shaking - 6

Neck Pain - 0
Upper Back Pain - 6

Fatigue - 3
Foggy Head - 4

Tinitus - 4
Ears Full - 4
Hand Numb - 0

Spatial Orientation - 4

Gastro - 2

Insomnia = 0

Eye Focus - 2

Sleep Kick - 0

Pain Meds - No

Benedryl last night - 0

 

 

Some problems with the user section of the distributable. First problem is that the printing is right-justified. I think there are around 5 users like that. Then there are 3-4 users who didn't get the data files put on the computer as part of the installation. I'm thinking that its a problem with the user or security settings, particularly in Vista. I need more information before I can change anything though.

On the road this morning, to the distributable installation. Basically, 800 miles away. I've got 2 hours left of the trip after all day yesterday in the car. Crummy hotel, but better to be frugal at this point. OK sleep last night, but had to take a benedryl. The heater in the room was either on or off (my choice), and it only took me an hour of freezing/roasting to figure out freezing was better. I feel OK this morning so far, but really its too early to tell.

Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 65 and sunny

Shaking - 6

Neck Pain - 2
Upper Back Pain - 1

Fatigue - 3
Foggy Head - 4

Tinitus - 6
Ears Full - 5
Hand Numb - 0

Spatial Orientation - 3

Gastro - 9 (consti/gass)

Insomnia = 7

Eye Focus - 3

Sleep Kick - 0

Pain Meds - Yes

Benedryl last night - 1

Well, its crunch time. Three days left until the trip to the distributable's installation and first use. Still have all the work to do that I had yesterday. Most of the day yesterday spent on quotes and such, so my plate is cleared for today. The Multiple Sclerosis symptoms seem to be increasing as the time remaining winds down. Certainly going to be a challenge for the next 10 days.

The President is on the radio now. Pushing the economic stimulus when speaking at the Department of Energy. Hoo-boy. I'm not picking up from anywhere that anyone in the government is understanding that the "old world" is over. Everything done so far looks like they're just trying to get back to the way things used to be and there's not enough money in the world for that. Obama's stimulus looks like he's paying lip service to the economy to further an expansion of government only. To me it looks like the spending (and they don't have the money) is mostly focused on things that won't help jobs so won't help those caught in the storm.

The crux of what we're living through now is the destruction of "wealth" derived from increased housing prices and the availability of cheap credit. The world as we know it is shifting into a new paradigm. This whole thing drives me nuts because its common sense. This after years of thinking myself nuts for being able to qualify for a $500k home loan and having credit card lines totalling over $200k. Watching people I thought made less than me afford Lexuses and Mercedes, bigger and bigger houses and amenities I couldn't. It didn't make sense before. Unfortunately, its been making sense for the last year or so. Let's look at what we've lost:

1) 401k's lost somewhere between 20 and 45 percent (good by retirement plans)

2) Home prices lost somewhere around 20% on average

3) We're shedding jobs at around 550k per month

As this is going on, the bulk of society is being split into 3 groups:

1) Those that over-extended themselves and are insolvent or approaching insolvency. Maybe they're under water in their mortgage, maybe they lost their jobs, maybe they figured that their wages would increase so they could dig themselves out of debt. With the economy deteriorating, these folks are being forced to cut back to survive, in most cases either choosing or being forced into forclosure and re-location. Since they're broke, they aren't going to spend.

2) Those that did it right during the 10 years of credit insanity. They lived within their means. Maybe their house is paid off, maybe not, but they planned to be able to make it financially if someone in the family lost a job. These folks are looking at the economic news and maybe their investments and they're not buying anything, because they don't want to lose what they have. They're worried about moving into the insolvent category.

3) Those on the lower and upper ends of the income scale. Things aren't changing for them as much. The upper end has lost money, but it probably isn't going to change how they spend or how they live. The lower end is maybe suffering lost jobs and credit problems, but they basically don't have a lot of money to spend anyway, and in current economic conditions, they probably have less to spend.

If you listen closely to the debate in government, its always been about "reaching a bottom", "lending money", supporting things so the economy could get back to the way it used to be. The problem is that when you talk about the guy that spends money, he's in one of the 3 groups listed above. The vast majority of folks aren't spending money on anything but necessities any more. They don't have it, or they're cutting back waiting for things to get worse. You can throw trillions and trillions of dollars (which we don't have) at the economy but you won't put a floor in anything. Housing value losses alone are somewhere in the neighborhood of $30 trillion dollars from their pead. Good luck with that. By propping things up, we're only postponing the inevitable.

And what's the inevitable?. I believe that the GDP is going to decline somewhere between 10 and 15 percent over the next couple of years. If we're lucky, the maximum contraction will be 15% Think about it. Do you really need a new car? Probably not. They'll last 10 years now, so if you don't have the money, you're going to make do. Do you really need new clothes? New shoes? New TV? New Computer? I mean really. Probably not. During the run-up to all this, we bought all kinds of things, and they're pretty new. So as the economy deteriorates, we just make due. The population of the US becoming more frugal by choice or necessity, but in mass and very quickly. Since 70% of our economy is derived from consumer spending, the economy is contracting at a dizzying rate as we become more frugal:

http://globaleconomicanalysis.blogspot.com/2008/10/age-of-frugality.html

And there you have the paradox of thrift.... if we don't spend, things will get worse. Companies will go out of business. People will lose their jobs, then their houses. Housing prices will fall further. People will spend even less, leading companies to go out of business, people to lose their jobs, etc, etc, etc. Until we reach "bottom".

http://www.doctorhousingbubble.com/credit-crisis-and-debt-and-managing-the-paradox-of-thrift/

But I'm optimistic. As my market segment contracts, some of my competitors will cut back and some will go out of business. And I believe there will be pockets of opportunity where you can make money. The guys that clean out forclosed houses are making a ton of money in California, Arizona and Florida. They're in a pocket of opportunity. The key is finding the pockets. I think I found one recently. So I'm excited about working in those pockets and making it through the worst of this.

Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 30 and Cold

Shaking - 4

Neck Pain - 0
Upper Back Pain - 4

Fatigue - 4
Foggy Head - 6

Tinitus - 5
Ears Full - 6
Hand Numb - 0

Spatial Orientation - 6

Gastro - 6

Insomnia = 0

Eye Focus - 5

Sleep Kick - 0

Pain Meds - Yes

Benedryl last night - 1

I'm starting to get tired, and having trouble focusing on work. Mega back pain. Shaking is OK, but attention span, short term memory and organization suffering. Part of it is that I'm overwhelmed by the amount of stuff on my plate, and the inevitable decisions about what to commit to and what to put off. Fairly significant work remaining for the paid programming site visit next week. Yesterday I figured out that I'm going to have to do a re-write to get it to be a distributable.... so I use 1 database instead of 3. On top of that, I still have the problem with the off the shelf installation re-programming, and networking / prospecting activities that are pressing me. February revenue just isn't where it should be, and given the economy, I can't predict the amount of publishing product revenue. Naturally, I have to make investments (spend money) to move forward in many areas, and the stress of the financial picture makes the decisions that much harder.

Regardless of feeling tired, I have to make it for the next couple of weeks at least, and try to drive revenue. The Avonex thing may help or may not help, but its still 2 weeks off - another month before I get to the full theraputic dose. Basically, I have to manage things for the forseeable future with what I have, trying to drive forward. I've never done well with uncertainty, and the current situation and the MS symptoms make me want to just lie down and go to sleep for the day. I'm being driven instead of taking the bull by the horns and driving.

In years past, I could just expand the number of hours spent to get the work done. I don't have the stamina that I used to have. Basically, unless I pour beer all over and pull beer from tomorrow (see description below), there's nothing left at the end of the day. Factor in the focusing problems, and I'm back in the situation that I'm at my desk for 45 hours per week, but only getting 30 hours of work accomplished. Another factor is the inefficencies I'm working through while programming. Its been 4 years since I've done any significant programming, and there's a learning curve getting back to being competent. Its a humbling experience to say the least. In addition, are things that ABSOLUTELY have to get done that take up extra time and take me away from focusing on programming. Argh.

And, there seem to be the usual (but normally unusual) distractions. Razor is eating up our time finishing his Teen Court stuff. Wifey was going to go with me on the trip, but now can't as Razor has a rescheduled court date during the time of the trip. I was counting on her being there to back-stop me and pick the client's brain for the way their business sector works. I can do it, but she'd be more effective at it. Chip's school situation is getting out of control. No discipline by the leadership, and its degrading now to the point where the boys are whacking each other with no consequences. One boy knocked out the bully's tooth yesterday and Chip said "He probably needed to get a bad stick for that". Its time to pull him and home school, but we don't know how to make that work. Blueberry is stable, but on the last discussion I had with the Home, they wanted us to take her home more, insinuating that her behavioral problems were connected with that. Oh, and the Dashund isn't tolerating chemo well. We may be nearing the end. I can deal with all the other stuff, but I really can't handle another loss. Double-Argh!

Above, I spoke about Multiple Sclerosis and the "Beer Theory". As a "manly-man" I stumbled on this theory when researching the disease. Its funny as heck and you can read it here:

http://multiplesclerosissucks.com/beer.html

As a guy with "Woman's Disease" you can bet that there aren't a lot of resources out there that take the male perspective to Multiple Sclerosis. MulitpleSclerosisSucks.com has been a great comfort to me. The "beer theroy" isn't original however. Its based on the "Spoon Theory", associated with Lupus. You can read the original here:

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

I'll try to make the blog here more informative, and document more of the MS journey. Guys aren't like that though. We're used to the manly sport cliches: "Play Hurt", "Walk it off", "No Excuses", "Don't Whine", "Gut it Out", and my personal favorite "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing." Multiple Sclerosis hits you at the core of your masculinity, taking away the physical and mental toughness component of your psychological make-up and replacing them with uncertainty and loss of control. Tough stuff to live with, especially as you have to reset your definition of what a decent quality of life is when you have the disease. But like the picture associated with this post says.....

Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 35 and Cold, snow last night

Shaking - 4

Neck Pain - 0
Upper Back Pain - 6

Fatigue - 5
Foggy Head - 5

Tinitus - 4
Ears Full - 5
Hand Numb - 0

Spatial Orientation - 5

Gastro - 7

Insomnia = 0

Eye Focus - 4

Sleep Kick - 0

Pain Meds - Yes

Benedryl last night - 1

Change of format here, as I recognise that a lot of the search engine indexing relys on positional text. Not that I want this blog really ranked, just that I want the content to be pertinent to my Multiple Sclerosis journey as a log. The symptom log is a big part of that, but I also need to chronicle the journey itself as equally important. So, to bring things up to date....

The big news is the consult we had with Dr. Freedman on Friday. He took over an hour with me to understand what I was feeling, my view of the history, and to review the diagnostics to date. I was impressed with his empathy. At one point he said, "You've been feeling like crap for half a year." That said it all to me about how this relationship would go. At the end of the session, he discussed making anxiety meds available (I don't want them), he gave me a prescription for pain meds (for my uppoer back), and he prescribed Avonex. It will be a weekly shot, to delay exacerbations, and to reduce the inflammation. I guess the Avonex is very expensive (more on that later), and it takes a couple of weeks to get insurance approval, get the meds and have the instructional class by a visiting nurse. (talk about waste of resources... Wifey can do it. but there's a system you know - for payment!)

The formal diagnosis is a relief. Having a treatment plan is a relief. My big worry in this was further permanent neurolgic loss, and I feel that being on Avonex gives me half a shot of maintaining where I am, while dealing with the attacks or relapses. In general, I hate meds, but I hate the idea of having further losses more. BTW, the psyche/cognitive testing showed organizational problems, some memory problems and that I "was not overly crazy". I have to ask Dr. Jones to read a copy of it.

But knowing I have to maintain the medical insurance, lets move on to where we are in the business..... I bailed on the charity project. No time in the schedule between now and the event, and the guy I'm working with isn't taking it seriously. The paid programming project is going OK, but there are a lot of features left to code and only a few days left. I have to be on-site with them on Monday the 9th to set everything up. I think I'll only be there for 3 days so it shouldn't be so bad. The local software installation went well last Thursday, and I have to hard code the printing for him, with a tentative date of delivery of Thursday of this week. I don't koow if that will happen. Worked an old client for 3 hours yesterday, but no revenue. I think my take for January was around $2.7k. But I have the new computer, web hosting and other outstanding things to pay for this month. My gut tells me that it was a standard month's bleed.

Physically, it feels like I'm slipping a bit. Still battling back pain, fatigue, full head and tinitus. I'm thinking that the recent problems are at some level weather related. The temp and humidity have been swinging quite a bit. 45 and clear Saturday, 65 and clear Sunday, 50 and clear yesterday but 40 and damp this morning. The only thing I can do is keep pressing on...but I've reset my work goal to 45 horus per week only. I think that more than that wears me out for the next week.

So, for the first time, I'm optomistic about my future with MS. Hopefully, I'll get some benefit from the Avonex, and can continue to move forward on developing the business. The problems is that I have lots of ideas, but not enough stamina / energy.

Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - 40's and light rain

Shaking - 5

Neck Pain - 1
Upper Back Pain - 6

Fatigue - 4
Foggy Head - 4

Tinitus - 3
Ears Full - 4
Hand Numb - 0

Spatial Orientation - 4

Gastro - 5

Insomnia = 0

Eye Focus - 3

Sleep Kick - 0

Pain Meds - No

Scale - 10 is worst

Weather - Clear and cold, headed to the 50's

Shaking - 5

Neck Pain - 3
Upper Back Pain - 5

Fatigue - 4
Foggy Head - 5

Tinitus - 4
Ears Full - 5
Hand Numb - 0

Spatial Orientation - 6

Gastro - 9

Insomnia = 0

Eye Focus - 4

Sleep Kick - 0

Main problem is with stomach. Was sick last night and had to take imodium to get to sleep. I seem to feel OK right now. I have to get back to making 2 entries here today. Back pain is up, so is balance problems. Should be and interesting day.

Freeman this morning, then Demo of the paid programing project this afternoon. A lot of work to do there. That's my focus for today and the weekend, along with biz registrations and setting the foundation for marketing of the price leader product.

Scale - 10 is worst

Weather - 50's and sunny

 

Shaking - 5

Neck Pain - 2
Upper Back Pain - 2

Fatigue - 7
Foggy Head - 3

Tinitus - 3
Ears Full - 4
Hand Numb - 0

Spatial Orientation - 6

Gastro - 9

Insomnia = 0

Eye Focus - 4

Sleep Kick - 0

 

Last night was sick with gastro stuff at midnight after liaz.

 

Today's site visit went well, but was exhausting. Only 7 hours production. But given the problems with gastro and the fatigue, I did pretty well. Appt with Freeman tomorrow morning. Wonder how I'll feel.

 

Scale - 10 is worst

Weather - Cool, Raining Again

Shaking - 4

Neck Pain - 2
Upper Back Pain - 4

Fatigue - 6
Foggy Head - 4

Tinitus - 4
Ears Full - 4
Hand Numb - 0

Spatial Orientation - 6

Gastro - 6

Insomnia = 0

Eye Focus - 2

Sleep Kick - 3

 

Not a bad day, considering the rain. Conference call in the morning, then a marketing event (very successful). Then home to work tomorrows installation phase 2. Was really tired around 2pm when returning from the marketing networking event, but I got through it, just doing follow-up calls. Light day hour wise though.... 7.1 hours and no energy left. Given that I'm off site tomorrow, I'm not going to push it, but shut down.

 

Good progress on the paid programming job, culminating in a site visit on Feb 9th. Should be interesting. Got my first potential lead for a webex on Friday. I think the total market is around $900k. Also think our part of it is between $20-$50k per year. That would pay the bills.

Scale - 10 is worst

Weather - Cool, Threatening Rain

 

Shaking - 6

Neck Pain - 2
Upper Back Pain - 3

Fatigue - 5
Foggy Head - 5

Tinitus - 7
Ears Full - 5
Hand Numb - 0

Spatial Orientation - 5

Gastro - 8

Insomnia = 0

Eye Focus - 4

Sleep Kick - 5

 

Back to the full head, tinitus, spatial oritentation problems. Is it associated with the weather? Time to move to Arizona? Having problems with focusing already. But the plan is to push through it today. I'll try to make an afternoon entry to update how I did.

 

No energy yesterday, Could be I pushed too hard last week. BUT, I didn't do much on Sunday at all. Could have been a "focus on the job" thing. Will find out today as there is no slop in my schedule now.

Scale - 10 is worst

Weather - Cool, Sunny

Shaking - 4

Neck Pain - 1
Upper Back Pain - 2

Fatigue - 3
Foggy Head - 3 (with headache)
Tinitus - 6
Ears Full - 3
Hand Numb - 0 (but from running the leaf blower)

Spatial Orientation - 3

Gastro - 6

Insomnia = 0

Eye Focus - 4

 

Normal sleep. Site visit this morning, it went well. Problems yesterday focusing when at church. Problems with mental focus this morning, hoping to turn it around this afternoon. Going to bail on the charity programming job, need to focus on revenue producing activities.

Scale - 10 is worst

Weather - Cool, threatening rain.

 

Shaking - 5

Neck Pain - 1
Upper Back Pain - 4

Fatigue - 3
Foggy Head - 5 (with headache)
Tinitus - 8
Ears Full - 5
Hand Numb - 0 (but from running the leaf blower)

Spatial Orientation - 6

Gastro - 4

Insomnia = 0

Eye Focus - 5

 

Got 11 hours of sleep. Feel very loagy and unsteady. Tinitus is really bad. Frontal headache. Back pain evident again. Took 2 Excedrin Migrane first thing this morning.

 

This morning was the last of the oral steroids (yea!). I've got an active day planned, but it probably includes some rest to get ready for next week. Only 3 weeks left to my 2 custom programming deadlines. One is about half there, the other is no where near the finish. Should be interesting

 

Scale - 10 is worst

Weather - Sunny and mild.

 

Shaking - 6 (evident putting the printer ribbon in, shaking in front of the client)
Neck Pain - 2
Upper Back Pain - 3

Fatigue - 3
Foggy Head - 4
Tinitus - 5
Ears Full - 5
Hand Numb - 0 (but from running the leaf blower)

Spatial Orientation - 5

Gastro - 4

Insomnia = 7 (took single benedryl Thursday night)

 

Heavy work, 11.9 hours. Orientation and shaking problems, got better as the day went on. Since I was on site with a client, I made sure I moved slowly and deliberately. Finished the on-site around noon, home around 1. Very tired, but very satisfied. Slight back and neck pain started, the neck probably due to stress. But I was in euphoria of actually putting in what I thought to be an "acceptable" week of 50 hours. If you follow the "set number of beers" philosophy of Multiple Sclerosis, my weekend is going to be trashed. At this point, I don't care. I need to keep pushing as I'm up against it with 3 clients. Either I can pull the load, or it'll break me..... neurology consult next Friday.....

 

Updating this a day late because of the installation at the client. Basically, I was in "overdrive" mode, with almost 12 hour in. I under scoped the amount of data I had to comb for the database import. Got all the PN's in, but didn't have the BOM loaded or the portable tested. When I got there, he had a single Window's laptop, and 2 macs running XP in the Fusion emulator. Hoo boy. I thought I was going to lose the account. Amazingly, everything installed, and as I played it for the client, he was happy. End of the day felt victorious....heard from another client who wants some mods on something I did 4 years ago. He's running it every month and it runs like a champ. Gives me reason to contact the Hobbitzes again.

 

Scale - 10 is worst

Weather - Clear and cool. Sunny and 50 degrees predicted.

 

Shaking - 6
Neck Pain - 2
Upper Back Pain - 4

Fatigue - 3
Foggy Head - 5
Tinitus - 5
Ears Full - 5
Hand Numb - 0 (but from running the leaf blower)

Spatial Orientation - 5

Gastro - 5

Insomnia = 0

 

Missed the entry yesterday, was incredibly busy trying to get things stabilized with the 3 projects I'm working. Good production, almost 10 hours. Toward the end of the day my uppper back became sore, and I got the "head full" feeling. Some problems with spatial orientation and mild vertigo. A second or 2 or disorientation, then back to normal.

 

This morning I'm back to the classic moderate hand shaking, mild fatigue, upper back pain, and full head/tinitus/ears full stuff. Got a full day prepping for tomorrow's installation with additions to the distributable as time and energy is available. So, I'll be pushing hard. Maybe I overdid it - shoveling snow yesterday, shoveling / walking on Tuesday. Good nights sleep last night. I'll take it easy physically today, with a rest in mid-afternoon if required.

 

Worried about the 9th through the 16 of Feb. Out of state site visit and the charity job heavy system use.