Good News and Bad News

No entries here for a long time. Basically, things have been going really well - compared to how I've been feeling before. As I posted before, the combination of the Avonex, Vicodin and Adderall have given me the short-term relief and long term confidence so that I can start depending on a consistent level of mental acuity and physical stamina.

That"s not to say that I'm back to normal in terms of what I was capable of prior to my first exasperbation a year ago. The way things are right now, I have to split my performance into 2 parts - mental and physical to accurately describe how things are going right now.

The mental part is the most encouraging. I've found that I can now pretty much get through most days without problems. On a percentage scale I`m working at 80-90% of where I was originally and I can live with that. The issue is that now there`s consistency where before there wasn't any. Consistency means I can plan on getting a minimum done each day so I now have hope of building each day and can predict success at tasks and projects.

I still have problems with stress - when I'm stressed my mental capacity goes down, and I start to degrade physically. Physical degradation means back pain or chronic fatigue. I'm working on compsatory skills where I can handle stress better (a definite challenge). I've yet to push myself with programming / marketing / installation of the distubutable, but that's coming in the next couple of weeks. I've tested myself in prospect visits and networking events and they tire me because of the stress, but they don't exhaust me for the rest of the day, or drain me for the next day.

Physical stamina associated with physical activoty is another matter. I'm trying to be physically active but I find that I'm capable of only abouy 1/2 of what I could do prior to the first exasperbation. Its frustrating to me to say the least because I've had to give up the any idea of completeing large projects, which causes stress in and of itself. We need the kitchen cabinets replaced, some floors refinished, painting completed and numerous other things done in the house. I keep myself from starting them because I know I won't have the endurance to finish them and couldn't stand the thoughtof having to endlessly stare at my impotence when I'd look at something 1/2 done. Since we're not cash positive in the business, we can't afford to pay someone to do it. Any way I look at it, I see myself as a failure - and I get stressed out about it.

I've tried to "push through" this part of the disease, to no avail. the beer analagy definitely applies. I've worked hard at yard work as a test multiple times and I end up paying the next day for it in exhaustion and uncomfortable symptoms. I've had to put aside any thoughts of hobbies - haven't made a pen in over a year and Wifey's Valentine's Day box sits unfinished in the shed. Normal house maintenance and cutting the grass is enough to challenge my stamina. Since Razor has no interest, Chip is too small and Wifey can't be expected to pull the load I used to in the "routine maintainence" area, there's no hope of focusing what endurance I have on the big stuff. I'm trying to recalibrate my expectations for what I'll be able to accomplish but I'm still frustrated I have to say here though, that Chip is showing himself to be a tremendous blessing. He cheerfully helps by uncomplainingly doing what he can to help. If he can't help, he keeps me company in most cases so I can more easily cope with my need for frequent breaks and to work at a slower pace. And with me feeling better, I'm thinking about testing myself by remodeling the downstairs bathroom.

But again, for perspective, things are much better than before and the Adderall and Vicodin together are the reason. Before that medication regimin I was seriously thinking of having to file foe disability.

I was taking the Vicodin when I saw Dr. Freeman in late March, and he prescribed the Adderall on a whim - to help improve my ability to focus (although it takes away my tinitus and full head feeling too!) . Over the last month I've been noticing that the 20mg Adderall and the 10mg Vicodin have become less effective. On some days, I'd have "bleed through" back burning, fatigue, and / or lack of concentration. I was having to take 5mg extra of the Vicodin to deal with periodic excess pain. I was worring that the Vicodin resistance would build, and I would be dependent or more likely that it wouldn' be effective regardless of dose. I like being able to think and work, and I naturally want this med regimin to work for 8 to 10 years.

I had an appointment with Nora@ Freedman's P.A. last Wednesday, and we discussed my concerns. She recommended that I start on Neurotin, starting with 300 mg per day and working up to 1200. Its supposed to bridge the breakthrough pain in the near term so I don't have to take the extra 5 mg of Vicodin on bad days. So far it seems to be working. I've a bit pf back burning today but that's expected as I've only had 9 hours of sleep in the last 2 days. I'm taking at night as its supposed to make me drowsy. It doesn't, in typical ADD fashion. The common side effective of all these meds is constipation - yea!

So that's where I stand medically. On the business side there's good news and bad news too. From the good side, my big prospect is evaluating an electronic device and placed a provisional order for 10 more. If this all goes well and he replaces his existing devices, it should mean around 20k per year for 1.5 years or so. the bad news is that there's np guarantee I'll get it, the state sales tax may keep me from keeping it. If they move foreward, and if everything goes perfectly I dont't know how I'm going to arrange financing.

I've been working at a low level to build business locally, with modest success. The problem is that on hardware sales I don't have any purchasing power with minimal discounts. That and the sales tax make it virtually impossible to compete with the internet guys. I'll keep plugging though in the hopes of generating at least something locally.

The sales of the publishing product continue to lag vs. prior years, and with the economy and the nature of the product, I've reconciled myself to stagnant to declining sales. I continue to add content to the site, and traffic is up 20% over 6 months ago. I hired a developer to do the web portion of the distributable, but I haven't gotten far enough to actively market it yet and only have 1 more customer since I commited to this. From reading forums about the competition I know I have to invest around 10k to have a competitive product. AND hosting is going to be 50 per month. Ugh!

So I'm optomistic about my abilities and prospects, but intensely worried about money. I never planned on paying someone to write the web application, so that's an unplanned outlay. Wifey is just getting back to work after a month lag, but outlays are still moe than I'd like. Other than the single client, prospects are slim because I'll be lucky to break even between distributable sales and the travel and development costs. Botom line is that the financial model (thanks to tax refunds) still has us with enough savings for 32 months. I just need to do my best every day and trust God to handle the rest.

And I'm encouraged with my predictable, 85% percent capacity. I'm able to do things I haven't in a year. I was particualrly happy with my performance in a meeting with the client and manufacturer 2 weeks ago. I ran the meeting and had no trouble keeping my thoughts organized or the meeting moving. Huge Difference.


Scale - 10 is worst
Weather - Hot, clear and humid
Shaking - 3
Neck Pain - 0
Upper Back Pain - 2
Fatigue - 3
Foggy Head - 3
Tinitus - 4
Ears Full - 3
Spatial Orientation - 2
Gastro - 9D
Insomnia - 8
Eye Focus - s
Benedryl - 0